And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
