so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
