im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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