That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
As shirtless as possible
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
