I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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