when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
third nipple confirmed
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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