Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
