when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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