also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
