She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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