Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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