girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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