I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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