If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
