is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
