There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
