would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
