You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
