Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
