Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
