Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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