i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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