It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
