Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
