Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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