then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You dont lie about slip and slides
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
