i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
