He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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