This is not my ceiling
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
