Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
there's paper in my vomit.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
