my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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