finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
