Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
