i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
