i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
