I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
