I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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