I'm pants shitting drunk right now
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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