took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I could make wine with my vomit
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i drank out of a bidet.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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