is your mom at the bar?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
someone owes me an orgasm
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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