I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
