I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
