you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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