Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Randomize
