even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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