Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
