She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
