I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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