I only kidnapped one of them. chill
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
