i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
