its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
